Shinigami Shuffle
by Brittany Bright
Summary: A collection of Bleach drabbles with various characters, pairings, and themes. From fluff to angst, funny to serious, it's all the product of whatever crazy idea my inspiration cooks up next.
1. Little Girls Own

**Okay, it's official: I have a collection of drabbles. Crap. I told myself to leave it alone, don't touch the drabbles, no one cares about drabbles, you're only clogging up ffnet, and yeah, I get it, whatever... I just, gah, I can't really explain myself. So I'm just going to apologize now. Sorry for this. It's not my fault. Okay, maybe it is, but... just... SORRY.**

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**Title: Little Girls Own **

**Rating: PG (Some swearing) **

**Characters/Parings: Ichigo x a bunch of cute little girlies **

**Word Count: 387 **

**Warnings: No spoilers, just random thoughts. **

**Summary: Ichigo can't figure out why he keeps getting pwnt by girls half his size. **

**A/N: Um, have you ever noticed that Ichigo is a suxxor for little girls? I mean, seriously.**

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Why was it always the little girls half his size?

He was supposed to be bad ass. He was supposed to be undefeatable, insuperable, and all that crap. Well, relatively speaking. Whatever. He had faced the toughest opponents in the history of tough opponents and come out on top. Why? Because he _kicked ass_.

So why did he always get pushed around by little girls?

They owned him.

The cute little creatures owned him.

First, it was Karin and Yuzu. No matter how hard he tried, they got whatever they wanted out of him. Always. They would yell (Karin) and pout (Yuzu) and tug at his heartstrings and wriggle their way into his consent for whatever it was their heart desired. After a while, it became useless to fight their strange demonic powers.

Then there was the string of little girls throughout his life that somehow managed to control him. They would cry and sniffle and beg and plead and look unbelievably innocent and he fell for it. Every single time. He would save their tree-jammed cats, look after their scraped knees, avenge their lost flowers, and basically run around at their beck and call.

He was a sucker.

And no matter where he ran, he would always be a sucker. He fell for Hinamori's shy smile. He fell for Yachiru's cute bubbly-ness. No matter where he went, living or dead, they would always work him.

At least in Soul Society, he wasn't the only one. Hinamori had that little shrimp of a captain hooked on her innocent little finger. Yachiru pulled the strings of that crazy ass idiot like he was a puppet.

But that still didn't soothe his dignity.

The fact of the matter was that he was constantly getting his ass handed to him by little girls half his size.

And the weird thing was that maybe, just maybe, he didn't mind so much. But that was just too weird to even think about. Freakishly weird.

Just as long as a certain half-pint girl kept pushing his buttons, he wouldn't think about it. Because then he might object. Or comply. They were both equally horrifying options.

No, just as long as this girl half his size kept jerking his chain, he wouldn't fight too hard.

Because Ichigo was a sucker. And Rukia owned him.

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**END**


	2. Breasts

**Title: Breasts**

**Rating: PG (I suppose breasts are a more mature subject. Whatever. They're just boobs, people.)**

**Characters/Parings: Matsumoto, Hitsugaya**

**Word count: 474**

**Warning: All about breasts. That's it.**

**Summary: Matsumoto finds very good uses for her infamous bosom.**

**A/N: I honestly don't know where this came from… o.O**

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Matsumoto was used to her breasts. When you have the same boobs for hundreds of years, you can't help but get used to them. They were a part of her, though they always seemed to have their own distinct identities. There was Matsumoto… and her breasts. Matsumoto needs some sleep… and so does her breasts. Matsumoto is going to go fight… and so will her breasts. Matsumoto wants some sake… and so does her breasts. How they were planning on drinking sake was beyond the point. They needed the sake as much as Matsumoto did by that time.

Matsumoto didn't help the situation much and she knew it. Her fabulously low neckline didn't really discourage anything. In fact, it encouraged everything.

It was very interesting being best known by your rack. You were easily recognizable; everyone knew who Matsumoto was on exact sighting. She wasn't easy to spot in much the same way a Menos Grande was small.

Of course, every once in a while she would meet someone who hadn't heard of her or her breasty business. That was the most fun. And just like she was easy to locate, those who had never seen her chest before were also easy to locate.

Like deer caught in her headlights.

It was so much fun it was criminal.

Then her taichou would admonish her for making a spectacle of herself. Then Matsumoto would kindly remind her dear taichou that they were her breasts to make spectacles of. And that would shut her precious taichou right up.

Matsumoto supposed that was why she was assigned to her taichou. He was young enough to not be particularly affected by hormones and those other naughty things. Though whenever Matsumoto mentioned this reasoning to him he would admonish her for that too. Maybe he did have hormones after all. It was about time. She would love to see how he reacted when he finally realized that he was just the right height to stare straight into her chest when he looked at her.

She looked down at his annoyed eyes. No, it still hadn't dawned on him. He was looking at her eyes, not her boobs. What a shame. She imagined it would be very amusing indeed to see her taichou flustered. It was a look she had never seen on him before, and she was almost dying with curiosity.

He was chiding her for sleeping on the couch again. Matsumoto leaned forward and informed him that the couch was the best place for her to sleep; it didn't bother her breasts so much. He immediately stiffened. Fine. If she was going to be that way, she could sleep on the damn couch for all he cared.

So _that_ was his flustered face. It wasn't much, but it would do. Very interesting.

Yes, breasts definitely had their uses.

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**END**


	3. Chocolate and Strawberry

**Title: Chocolate and Strawberry**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Parings: IchigoxRukia (implied?)**

**Word Count: 237**

**Warnings: Short, random crappiness**

**Summary: Rukia has never tasted strawberry ice cream.**

**A/N: Weird little drabble that just popped into my head and controlled my fingers... don't ask.**

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Rukia wanted to go to the fair. Ichigo wanted nothing more than to _not_ go to the fair.

So they went to the fair.

Rukia wanted to go on the Ferris wheel. Ichigo wanted to throw himself off the Ferris wheel.

So they rode the Ferris wheel. Six times.

Rukia wanted to win a stuffed Chappy at the game booth. Ichigo wanted to blast Chappy's head off with that water gun.

So he won the stuffed Chappy. And gave it to Rukia.

Rukia wanted an ice cream cone. Ichigo wanted to go home.

So they got ice cream cones.

Rukia wanted chocolate. Ichigo wanted anything but strawberry.

So they got one chocolate cone and one strawberry cone.

Rukia sat in the grass, licking her chocolate ice cream with childlike contentment. Ichigo sat in the grass, licking his strawberry ice cream with a distinct sense of irony.

Rukia casually asked if ice cream always tasted this good. Ichigo wearily replied that ice cream always tasted good unless you got the puke-flavored kind.

Rukia eagerly requested if she could taste his strawberry ice cream. Ichigo resignedly answered that she could.

Rukia licked his cone with a flourish. Ichigo thought about how dirty that all just sounded.

Rukia declared that strawberry was, by far, her favorite kind. Ichigo considered that statement to make the entire night worthwhile.

Until she said that the _only_ good-tasting type of strawberry was ice cream.

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**FIN**


	4. Got Milk?

**Title: Got Milk?**

**Rating: G (One "dammit" that I didn't know Hitsugaya was capable of)**

**Characters/Parings: Hitsugaya, Ukitake, milk**

**Word Count: 433**

**Warning: Random OOCness**

**Summary: Milk does the body good!**

**A/N: Inspired by the end of the episode where Ukitake gives Hitsu candy. Too funny. So, I turned it into milk instead, because it's my holy elixir. Moo.**

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"Hitsugaya-taichou!"

Hitsugaya was very tempted to ignore that voice. Very, very tempted. But he was a taichou, and he had to be civil, dammit.

"Hai?" He stopped in the middle of the hallway.

"Hitsugaya-taichou—"

"Hai, Ukitake-taichou?" He tried to keep his voice as neutral as possible, but irritated crawled in there somehow. He turned around to see Ukitake hurrying up to him as fast as his legs could carry him. How was it possible for such a sick man to be so damn fast? Especially when it meant putting Hitsugaya in uncomfortable situations?

"Anou… I have a gift for you, Hitsugaya-taichou," he said triumphantly, making Hitsugaya immediately wary.

"You do?"

"Hai." He was beaming. The old man was beaming. As much as Hitsugaya's conscience screamed that Ukitake was a taichou, a kind and generous one that needed to be properly respected, his body recoiled instead. He was acting far too fatherly for that. It only reminded Hitsugaya that he was a child, and he certainly didn't need any more of _that_.

"I—"

"Here." He pulled a strange-shaped box out of the folds of his uniform and held it out to Hitsugaya in the palm of his hand. The box had a pyramid-type section on top and the picture of a cow imprinted on the side. Hitsugaya eyed it as if it would spout legs and start singing and dancing. It was entirely possible. He raised one skeptical eyebrow.

"It is _milk_," Ukitake stated proudly, waving the box under Hitsugaya's nose. "At least, that's what Rukia told me. Apparently, it is a beverage that humans drink. I tried it; it is very delicious." He smiled encouragingly. Hitsugaya scoffed, crossing his arms and turning up his nose.

"No—"

"Ah, Hitsugaya-taichou, but Ichigo told me this makes bones grow!"

"So?"

"It will make you taller!"

"_Nani_?" Hitsugaya seethed, balling his fists at Ukitake's oblivious face. "I'm not short!"

Ukitake merely smiled. "Ah, Hitsugaya-taichou, whatever you say. Though I will leave this with you." He shoved the milk into Hitsugaya's hand and winked conspiratorially. Ukitake turned on his heel cheerfully, perfectly content with leaving an open-mouthed Hitsugaya in his wake.

He stared at the milk carton in his hands, and then Ukitake's retreating back. The milk. Ukitake.

"Oi! Did you say _Ichigo_ told you about this _milk_?"

Ukitake turned around briefly. "Hai." Then he was on his merry way again.

If Hitsugaya couldn't kill Ukitake, then he would certainly kill Ichigo.

Ichigo was a dead man.

But first, he would head back to his office. Alone. And close the blinds. And try this milk.

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**END**


	5. The Candle's Flame

**Title: The Candle's Flame**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Pairings: MatsumotoxGin (sorta)**

**Word Count: 543**

**Warnings: Angsty-ish**

**Summary: Matsumoto keeps the everlasting flame burning.**

**A/N: Dedicated to maestrong, because she asked for MatsumotoxGin back in chapter 2 (eek! Sorry it took so long) and I live to serve. This story took a different direction from where I had planned... it's not really as MatsuGin as I wanted. But I tried. I don't think I got Gin quite right, either... was he EVER this nice? o.O**

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When Matsumoto was young, she found Ichimaru Gin. Or, rather, he found her.

When he returned to his home in Rukongai after their first meeting, she followed. He didn't protest his new companion's presence. He didn't try to stop her. In fact, he welcomed her into the home he shared with so many other children. He introduced her to his friends and acted as though she had always been there. It was a casual acceptance, without using so many words. They were now a part of each other's lives. Inexplicably, irreplaceably, irreversibly.

Matsumoto had long been afraid of monsters. During the day, when the sun shined and cast light on all objects, she would never give her fear much thought. But when night rolled around and the protection of the sun waned, she would lay in the darkness wishing for the return of the day. The day that she would no longer be afraid. The day when she could fight the monsters. The day when she would not cower in fright from their shadows.

The day she met Ichimaru Gin was the day she found the answers to her wishes. He rolled out a bed for her and caught the terrified expression on her face, the only kind of fear he could recognize: absolute. So he smiled and tucked her in, patting her hair comfortingly.

"Rangiku-chan?"

"Hai?"

"Are you afraid of the dark?"

"Anou…" She did not want to admit her fear to her new friend, but she trusted him in a way she could not explain. "I am afraid of the monsters."

"I see… well, that can be helped." He walked to the table and plucked a candle out of the box, thrusting it into a tarnished silver holder. "You see, monsters are afraid of light."

Matsumoto perked up, never having heard this piece of information before. She was instantly curious.

"Hai. Monsters are more afraid of light then you are of them." He took a match and lit the candle, smiling slightly and padding back over to her side. He kneeled down so that he was level with her and placed the burning candle on the ground next to the bed.

"As long as you keep the light on, they will not come near here."

Matsumoto marveled at this fact and Gin's knowledge of it. She watched the flickering candle with pure interest, amazed that such a small flame could stop the monsters of her nightmares.

"To tell the truth, Rangiku-chan, I am afraid of the monsters, too."

She looked inquisitively at Gin, stunned that he was afraid too. She did not think it possible that he could ever be afraid of anything. But he was not looking at her, rather at the small glittering flame next to her bed.

"That is why I always light a candle before bed."

Matsumoto watched the iridescent flame unseeingly, her gaze turned inward at her own memories and thoughts. It was that night that she finally gained her courage. That night she decided to fight the monsters. That night she stood up and fought her nightmares.

Gin kept the candle lit at night.

Matsumoto kept the candle lit at night too.

Gin had extinguished his flame a long time ago.

Matsumoto kept hers burning.

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**FIN**


	6. A Kind of Magic

**Title: A Kind of Magic**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Pairings: IshidaxOrihime**

**Word Count: 535**

**Warnings: Extreme WAFF, as in "gag me with a spoon because of the complete and utter WAFFiness"**

**Summary: Ishida wonders why Orihime loves him.**

**A/N: Okay, since some of you are going, "wtf?" and the rest of you probably don't care, I'll explain myself. I had to take down "Ishida and the Eel" because, as I was writing the rest of it, it turned into a full-fledged one-shot without my permission. So, I'm going to post it as a separate story, and I should have it up in a little bit, so keep your eyes peeled. That said, since I feel guilty for reneging on my story, I brought a peace-offering .:waves white flag:. Please enjoy the excessive WAFFiness below.**

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Ishida often asked himself why Orihime loved him.

He noticed the stares they got whenever they went out together; incredulous gapes that spoke loud and clear, "How the heck did _he_ get _her_?" He noted the envious glances and obvious ogles. They would gaze at her and wonder what was wrong with Orihime that would induce her to go out with such a loser. Then, they would be back to staring at her assets, as if Ishida wasn't standing _right_ there the _whole_ time watching them _size up_ his girlfriend. He knew that people thought that they were wrong for each other; that they didn't _fit_.

A beauty and a geek.

Over the many years they had been together, Ishida had learned to shrug it off. He loved her, and he had no doubt that Orihime loved him in return. That was enough to allay the stares.

But not the feeling they left behind.

Not for the first time, Ishida wondered if those stares had a valid point. After all, he was the luckiest man in the world to have gotten Orihime. She was wonderful and amazing and beautiful and, by some incredible fortune, all his.

She made him so unbelievably happy, with her bright smiles and optimistic disposition that would take all his anxieties away. And whenever she would break something or cook something that should never have been cooked, she would laugh it off and shrug her shoulders in a way that made Ishida smile and shiver at the same time. And sometimes, she would turn serious, and he would marvel at her intelligence and the way she would bite her bottom lip when she was deep in thought. Then, when she would finally notice him watching her, her face would light up and she would smile that smile of hers that never failed to send his heart soaring.

He was, without a doubt, the luckiest man in the world.

But how did he get so lucky?

Why did Orihime love him?

He was quiet and calculating where she was open and cheerful. He was pensive and reserved where she was candid and amicable. He was cool and collected where she was warm and caring. He hid behind his glasses where she wore her heart on her sleeve.

A princess and a frog.

"Uryu?"

He snapped out of his thoughts to a pair of storm gray eyes staring straight at him.

"Why do you love me?" he blurted, unable to stop himself. He had not intended to ask her that question, and rather regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth. He never wanted to express his doubts to Orihime, no matter how much they involved her. But it was too late for that now.

She blinked at him as if he were the dumbest man in existence, making Ishida turn his head away and shift uncomfortably.

"Because…you're… _you_." She said it like it was the most obvious answer in the world. She flashed him the smile he loved the most, the one that illuminated her whole face and radiated out of her body.

"I don't need a reason. I love you because you're _you_, my Uryu."

He never asked again.

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**END**


	7. Stray Cat Strut

**Title: Stray Cat Strut**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Pairings: Soi Fong, Yoruichi**

**Word Count: 297**

**Warnings: Erm, no spoilers I can see, unless you count Yoruichi's true form and Soi Fong and Yoruichi's past relationship, which I don't**

**Summary: Soi Fong tries to figure out what's up with her and cats.**

**A/N: This is dedicated to Kiyuu-Chan, who asked for a Soi FongxYoruichi fic. Sorry it's so short. And craptastic. It took me a long time to find my inspiration for this one, and when it finally showed up, it came up with this: Soi Fong hates cats. Great. Fanbloodytastic. So, watch as I try to make some sense out of the crazy ideas my brain gives me. And fail miserably.**

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Soi Fong loved cats.

Ever since she was a little girl, she loved cats. Whenever she came across one, she would stop to pet them, running her fingers through the silky fur and basking in the sea of purrs they emitted. She would look into their glassy eyes and wonder what they saw. They were beautiful and aloof, graceful and calm. They were everything she wanted to be.

"_Soi Fong?"_

"_Hai, Yoruichi-sama?"_

"_What is your favorite animal?"_

"_Nani?"_

"_Your favorite animal, what is it?"_

_Soi Fong blinked uncertainly at Yoruichi, wondering why exactly she wanted to know this piece of information. But she was in no place to question her, so she answered truthfully._

"_A cat, Yoruichi-sama."_

"_A cat, hm?" She looked thoughtful. "Yes, that is a very good animal. Nice choice, Soi Fong." She nodded and flashed a crooked grin, making Soi Fong smile shyly._

Soi Fong hated cats.

Ever since Yoruichi left, she hated cats. Whenever she came across one, she would turn away, ignoring their soft steps and all-knowing eyes. She would look past them, over them, away from them, determined to see nothing of the elegant coat and sharp claws that reminded her so much of her mistress. She wanted nothing to do with them.

"_Soi Fong?"_

"_Hai, Yoruichi-sama?"_

"_The whole time, I was a cat."_

"_I know that now."_

"_It is your favorite animal."_

_Soi Fong blinked at her, struck temporarily dumb, having not made the connection earlier. Yoruichi watched her amusedly, trademark half-smirk on her face._

"_It _was_ my favorite animal."_

"_Things change." Yoruichi shrugged, brushing off the whole topic as easily as she had brought it up. "I have grown quite fond of them, though."_

Soi Fong still hated cats.

But there was one cat in particular that she loved.

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**END**


	8. Fast Food Fight

**Title: Fast Food Fight**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Pairings: Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Ikkaku**

**Word Count:999 (Whew, that was a really, _really_ close one)**

**Warnings: Some spoilers for who the Karakura Shinigami are**

**Summary: The gang goes on an outing to the local burger joint.**

**A/N: I had way too much fun writing this. Way too much fun. And MOS Burger is an actual chain in Japan, almost as popular as McDonald's. Go figure. By the way, some people own MOS Burger, and I'm not one of them. So don't sue me, k?**

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"It's called MOS Burger. It's fast food."

Hitsugaya raised one questioning eyebrow. "What is fast food?"

Ichigo heaved a sigh, taking in everyone's bemused expressions at the chrome countertops, tiled floors, and brightly lit signs. He led the way over to the counter, silently berating himself for letting them convince him to take them to eat "authentic human cuisine." He didn't have the money he would ostensibly need should he take them anywhere semi-expensive, so the local fast food chain was their only option. Ichigo was regretting it more and more by the second.

"It's good, like burgers and fries. Trust me," he grumbled, not really caring if they knew what he was talking about. Renji shot Rukia a quizzical look, earning him a resigned shrug. Ikkaku glared death at the other patrons, only so they could turn their gazes to a trailing Matsumoto, who stared at everything like it was the eighth wonder of the world.

They shuffled over to the counter, the eyes of every customer in the restaurant on them. Ichigo slapped a mental palm to his face, cursing the day Soul Society sent the Doom Patrol to his school.

"Find something on the menu," he mumbled, gesturing vaguely to the luminous sign above their heads. Big mistake.

"What the hell is a 'ham-ber-gar'!"

"Why are there _numbers_!"

"How the hell am I supposed to read this!"

"Look, taichou, they have meals just for kids!"

"Hey!"

"Those 'melk-shack-ays' look like liquid turd!"

"What the hell is this _crap_!"

Everyone was still staring at them, and this time, Ichigo did slap a palm to his face. "Just _shut up_!"

Everyone shut up, including the rest of the customers. There was complete silence in the MOS Burger as Ichigo seethed, smacking a hand on the counter and turning towards the bewildered employee.

"Just give me six number ones," he growled.

The employee nodded vigorously, punching in the appropriate keys on the cash register and taking the money Ichigo slapped on the countertop.

"Go sit." Ichigo limited himself to the barest minimum words necessary to convey his message, too infuriated to trust himself not to explode.

They squeezed into a booth, Rukia immediately picking up the salt shaker and fiddling with it.

"Karin taught me this trick, watch!" She started dumping out salt onto the tabletop, biting her bottom lip absently as she tried to balance the edge of the salt shaker on the mountain of salt. Renji watched her in fascination, only to scowl when the shaker toppled over onto him, spraying salt all down his front.

"Rukia!"

Ikkaku grabbed the napkin dispenser, turning it over in his hands, puzzled expression on his face. Matsumoto reached over, pressing on the napkins and squealing in delight when they bounced back at her.

"Amazing!"

"Idiots," Hitsugaya murmured darkly.

"Taichou, look!" She started tugging out the napkins wildly. "They just keep coming!"

Rukia was still trying unsuccessfully to balance the salt shaker. After it fell over yet again, spilling even more salt, Renji became impatient, snatching it off the table to Rukia's loud protests. She lunged for the shaker as Renji held it above his head, tilting it over so that it started pouring onto Ichigo.

"Oi! Stop that!"

Hitsugaya had found a Sweet-N-Low packet, shaking and flapping it with a very curious look on his face. He continued to turn it over in his hands, alternating between reading the inscription and waving it around. He finally tried to rip it, triumph skimming his features when the Sweet-N-Low started trickling onto the tabletop. He poked a pinkie at it and brought it to his lips, sticking out a tongue to taste the contents of his remarkable discovery. He immediately grimaced in disgust, dropping the packet and eyeballing it distrustfully.

Ikkaku had moved on to the ketchup packets, pressing and squeezing the life out of them. He placed one on the tabletop, eying it suspiciously and sprouting an idea. He balled his fist and brought it crashing down on the innocent packet, sending ketchup splattering everywhere and on everyone.

There was a stunned silence. Before anyone could reply, an employee came by with their food, placing the tray on the table with a panicky expression and bolting.

The area was deadly quiet as everyone in the booth eyed each other, then eyed the food, and then eyed each other again.

All hell broke loose.

There was a mad scramble as everyone grabbed their food and tore the unfortunate orders apart, flinging buns, patties and French fries at each other with unrivalled abandon. Rukia tossed fistfuls of salt wildly, grinning triumphantly when it stuck to the splats of ketchup Renji had just planted on everyone. Ikkaku had a pickle sticking to his forehead, and he violently flung his onions at Renji, scoring a hit when one ring caught on a spiky strand and swirled down it like a horseshoe. Matsumoto shrieked as a French fry flew down her cleavage, and she started launching her tomatoes with renewed vigor, glowing proudly when one stuck squarely on Rukia's breast.

Ichigo slipped out of the booth as soon as the food fight had started, salt still trickling down his back mockingly. Hitsugaya, being the genius he was, had made a dash for it as well, though he hadn't been so lucky. Ketchup was all down his front, and he peeled a hamburger bun from his temple, leaving a trail of mustard dribbling down his cheek.

"_Idiots_," he growled, one eyebrow twitching uncontrollably.

Several minutes later, Ichigo was paying the owner handsomely for the damage and swearing up and down never to show their ketchup-covered faces again at his establishment.

And so they stumbled out of the MOS Burger absolutely drenched in hamburger trappings. Rukia, Renji, Ikkaku, and Matsumoto snickered and smiled conspiratorially at each other as Ichigo and Hitsugaya laid into them, looking worse for wear and utterly ridiculous yelling at them coated in condiments.

"Well," Ichigo barked. "I hope you're happy with yourselves!"

They were.

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**END**


	9. To Be or Not to Be

**Title: To Be or Not To Be**

**Rating: PG**

**Characters/Pairings: very, very slight IchigoxRukia**

**Word Count: 980 (Another long one… hmmm…)**

**Warnings: Random Shakespeare ramblings**

**Summary: Rukia discovers a very interesting little green book.**

**A/N: The quotes are from: _Romeo and Juliet_, act 3, scene 5 and act 1, scene 5 and _Hamlet_, act 3, scene 1. Go read Shakespeare, kiddies. It's good for you.**

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Rukia shuffled through Ichigo's nightstand. She was sick of homework and thoroughly restless, a deadly combination. She was convinced that Ichigo did indeed keep porn in his room; she just needed to find the evidence. After discovering the stuff in Renji's quarters that one time, she was convinced every boy on the face of the planet owned a dirty magazine. She needed proof that Ichigo was just as normal as everyone else. Plus, it also meant she could tease him mercilessly.

She came across a green leather-bound book in the mess of junk, eyes gleaming mischievously at the thought that it could be his journal.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Busted. Rukia turned around slowly, plastering on the innocent smile that won over so many others, but never seemed to work on Ichigo.

"What are you talking about?" she trilled, giving him her best eyelash batting. No one could say that she ever went down without a fight.

He scowled, giving her that _look_ of his that never boded well for Rukia. "I said, what are you doing?" It was almost as if it pained him to keep his voice level. His fists were balled at his sides, his stance set to defense mode.

"Oh," she cooed. "You mean this?" She held up the leather-bound book, smiling impishly at the look on his face. It had gone from aggravated to anxious in 2.3 seconds flat. Rukia waved the book in front of her mockingly.

"Rukia—" He was backed into a corner and both of them knew it.

"Ah, let's just take a look at this, shall we?" Rukia flipped open the book with a snap, smoothing a page down and skimming the letters before Ichigo had the chance to react. Then she noticed the writing. "What the hell?"

Ichigo tensed, looking more and more like a cornered animal by the second.

"What is 'Shock-es-pair'?" Her eyes widened in realization. "They're poems!"

"It's a play," he growled.

"'Art thou gone so? love, lord, ay, husband, friend / I must hear from thee every day in the hour / For in a minute there are many days / O, by this count I shall be much in years / Ere I again behold my Romeo!' This is a love poem!" Rukia looked overjoyed to find out Ichigo was a closet romantic. Now she could taunt him without remorse.

"It's a play," he repeated, striding across the room and snatching the book out of her hands.

"Oi! Give that back!" She lunged for the book, her voice taking on a sardonic tone. "I want to see what other love poems you have in there."

He held the book over his head and hopelessly out of her reach as she leapt for the book without avail. "It's a play! It's Shakespeare, the greatest playwright of all time! His works are masterpieces of rhyme and meter! His use of false wit, puns, and ambiguity is genius!"

Rukia stopped in the middle of his tirade, blinking up at him in disbelief. He just peeled back a lot of layers right then, not even realizing he was doing it. She was intrigued, tilting her head to the side in silent question.

"Nani? Don't give me that look, Rukia." He turned away, lowering his arm and putting back on his scowl.

Rukia took the opportunity to seize the book back. "So, what others poems are in here? Any good ones?" She flipped the pages, backing away nonchalantly from Ichigo.

"I said, they aren't poems!"

"'If I profane with my unworthiest hand / This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this / My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand / To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.' Looks like a poem to me. A _love_ poem."

"That's because it's _Romeo and Juliet_, here, give that to me."

Rukia, having achieved her desired goal, passed it over coolly, watching him inquisitively while he flicked through the pages, his trademark scowl becoming one of concentration over anything else. She didn't mention the fact that he knew exactly which play she was reading from, choosing to tactfully ignore it until a later, more opportune moment.

"Here, you'll get this one from _Hamlet_," he said, taking on an erudite look Rukia had never seen on Ichigo before. It was… nice. How odd. "'To die: to sleep; / No more; and by a sleep to say we end / The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks / That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation / Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; / To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; / For in that sleep of death what dreams may come / When we have shuffled off this mortal coil / Must give us pause: there's the respect / That makes calamity of so long life.'"

Rukia was so entranced by the sound of his voice, smooth and deep and clear over the intricate words, that she didn't really notice he had stopped until long seconds after the fact. Ichigo gave her a hard stare, lifting the daze he had put on her.

"Ah, what was that about?" she asked, scrambling for something to cover her momentary stupor.

He sighed. "Death," he said, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. "Hamlet wants to kill himself, but he's is too afraid to, because he doesn't know what will happen to him after he dies. His point is that no one knows what happens after death. It's one of the most famous passages in literature."

"Oh." This new side of Ichigo amazed her. He was… deep. Weird. And strangely… alluring. She never truly acknowledged before that she had only struck the surface with Ichigo.

He flicked her nose teasingly, snapping her out of whatever fantasy she had fallen into.

"But we know better, ne?"

----------

**END**


	10. Attn: All Shinigami

**Title: Attn: All Shinigami**

**Rating: PG-13 (I really don't know how to rate these things… but this one's got language, as in the f-bomb)**

**Characters/Pairings: Gotei 13 (yay! I got all of 'em! I think...)**

**Word Count: 588**

**Warnings: No spoilers. Some Gin and Aizen bashing, though.**

**Summary: Yamamoto makes a grave mistake: sets up a community bulletin board.**

**A/N: If anyone is confuzzled by the way I set this up please let me know. I wasn't really sure how to distinguish each entry, so I made do. It may be confusing, though. And most of the stuff in the later part of this comes from actual bathroom graffiti. No joke. I just tweaked them a bit so they fit, and voila! Shinigami graffiti! .:shakes head:. My ideas keep getting weirder and weirder…**

----------

One fine spring day, Yamamoto-soutaichou decided to create a bulletin board, in the hopes of promoting inter-division relations and providing an all-purpose sounding board for the various divisions.

It was one of Yamamoto's more spectacular mistakes.

_A gentle reminder that taichou and fukutaichou meetings are today. Attendance is required._

_--Ukitake Jushiro_

Shinigami Women's Association meeting tonight at sundown. We look forward to seeing everyone there!

_**Get your fourth division asses over here to clean up the bloodstains at tenth division headquarters.**_

_**--K.Z.**_

_I would take it kindly if you requested our aid rather than demanded it, Zaraki-taichou._

_--Retsu Unohana_

_**Ah… sorry, Unohana-taichou.**_

_Will the eleventh division please cease sending their discarded body parts to sixth division headquarters?_

_--Kuchiki Byakuya_

_**Shove it, pansy ass.**_

_**--K.Z.**_

_I am shocked and appalled by your words, and that a man such as yourself would even dare to challenge the leader of the great Kuchiki house. Kindly escort yourself to sixth division headquarters, so that we may settle this like men._

_--Kuchiki Byakuya_

_**Bring it, bitch.**_

**Can you people please stop talking about the taichou behind his back? He can hear you idiots. His ears are very sensitive.**

**--Iba Tetsuzaemon, seventh division**

Party, tonight, eighth division headquarters.

--Shunsui

_There is absolutely NO party tonight at eighth division headquarters._

_--Nanao-fukutaichou_

Nanao-chan,

In rolling waves

Is the wind that lifts my heart

To you my darling

--S.

P.S. Don't listen to Nanao-chan. Party, TONIGHT.

**Seventh division members, please report to headquarters tomorrow morning as soon as possible. --Komamura-taichou**

_Oh, you can have the party at tenth division headquarters, Shunsui-taichou. I can shoo my taichou away…_

_--Matsumoto_

_**Absolutely NOT. Matsumoto, please report the headquarters RIGHT NOW.**_

_**--Hitsugaya-taichou**_

Research subject are needed for Experiment #1278. Subjects please report to twelfth division headquarters.

--Kurotsuchi Mayuri

_**Like we'd go within twelve feet of you, freak ass.**_

_**--K.Z.**_

_Ditto._

_**Hear, hear!**_

FREAK… but your daughter's HOTT

_Please, do not wander into second division areas without proper permission. It interferes with training._

_--Soi Fong-taichou_

**_Ah, the angry little ninja girl speaks!_**

_Who was that! Identify yourself! --Soi Fong_

**Hisagi, you bastard, give me back my best bottle of sake. I'll kick your ass.**

**--Renji**

_**I don't have your sake, douchebag.**_

_**--H.S.**_

**WHO HAS MY SAKE! --Renji**

_Sake is for pansies. Bring on the tequila!_

**One tequila two tequila three tequila FLOOR!**

For a good time, call ICHIMARU GIN at 1-800-BITCH-CAKE

_**Yumichika has the sake. --Ikkaku**_

**WHAT! Yumichika, don't you touch that! --Renji**

_Renji, stop this nonsense, immediately. Report to headquarters._

_--Kuchiki-taichou_

**Yes, sir.**

_Kiss my beautiful ass, ugly. --Ayasegawa Yumichika_

**I'll KICK your--**

eleventh division RULEZ… all you other bitch divisions can SUCK IT… especially fourth

**_Profanity is the linguistic crutch of inarticulate mother fuckers_**

_Can we please stop insulting the fourth division? Thank you. --Isane-fukutaichou_

**Shinigami Do It With Swords**

_Goals for the year:  
Find true love  
_

Screw true love!

_**Both, yes?**_

_ATTN: PLEASE STOP DEFACING THE BULLETIN BOARD. THANK YOU._

**Aizen's mama is the square root of food**

_**SEX MANUAL FOR SHINIGAMI:  
1. In  
2. Out  
Repeat if necessary**_

why the heck do taichous always yell? when the person didn't do anything wrong... DAMMIT!

_The horse's ass walks both ways._

**eleventh PWNS**

**_Don't discriminate, Hollows are people too!_**

_ATTN: THE BULLETIN BOARD IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED. THANK YOU._

To this day, no one has ever suggested placing a bulletin board anywhere Shinigami can access it.

----------

**END**


	11. Paperwork

**Title: Paperwork**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Pairings: HitsugayaxHinamori**

**Word Count: 568**

**Warnings: Spoilers that slick over the whole SS fiasco**

**Summary: Hitsugaya ponders over the meaning of paperwork.**

**A/N: Have you ever noticed that Hitsugaya is _always_ doing paperwork. The poor kid is swimming in it every time we see him. So I figure, well, he might as well get something out of it. .:snicker:.**

----------

Hitsugaya had always been one to finish his paperwork. He would meticulously labor over the never-ending pile of documents, patiently and thoroughly completing each one before advancing to the next. He never complained, never shirked his duty as captain of the tenth when it came to his responsibilities, and paperwork was no exception. He saw it as a necessary component, and more often, an unconventional means of stress relief and quality reflection time. He would find a rhythm, letting his hand fly across the paper of its own accord, subconsciously absorbing the material and making the appropriate actions with barely a thought. It was during these times he would lose himself in his own mind, his sundry thoughts flickering like fireflies, barely alighting on the papers in front of him.

When Soul Society was thrown into chaos, paperwork became his escape, the one constant in his life that would never change. Even when it felt as though his world was crashing down around him, it was crashing down around the paperwork stacked neatly on his desk, waiting to be reviewed and marked, like it always was and always would be. It was a relief to have that distraction, in which he could focus solely on each letter, word, and page. That way, he wouldn't have to feel the emotions that threatened to envelope him.

When Hinamori finally woke up, his ubiquitous paperwork became the obstacle blocking his path. Those piles of eternally essential documents became mocking in place of soothing, preventing him from spending precious time with Hinamori. They kept him in his office when his mind was elsewhere, caught in the part of his heart that belonged to the little girl with wide eyes and lost innocence. His perfunctory paperwork had lost all of its charm, becoming one of the most dreaded aspects of his day and taunting him with an endless chain of nefarious pages.

When Hinamori accepted, even asked, for him at her side, that paperwork became even more unbearable. He could never concentrate, letters swirling together on the page until he had to throw down his quill and find the object of his thoughts. Hinamori would dissolve his restlessness, chide him for shrugging his duty, and then shoo him off to complete the excruciating paperwork. He would swim through it all day, knowing he would not see her again until the moment he finished. When, after much sighing and eye twitching, he finally conquered the villainous sheets of document doom, he would bolt out the door, physically and mentally escaping the inexorable stacks until they appeared again the next day to do battle.

When Hinamori gave him the love he so agonizingly waited for, the paperwork suddenly, against all expectations, became an excellent excuse. Hinamori would casually visit the tenth division headquarters and he would lock the door, close the blinds, and do "paperwork". The division members quickly learned never to bother the taichou when he was doing his ever-important paperwork. Even Matsumoto seemed to learn some tact, finding excuses to stay out of the office when her taichou had "paperwork, stacks and stacks of paperwork". At least, most of the time she found excuses, and the rest of the time involved a very red-faced taichou and bashful Hinamori.

Hitsugaya figured that paperwork would always be a part of his life.

But that didn't mean that it always had to have the same connotation.

----------

**END**


	12. Sunrise

**Title: Sunrise**

**Rating: G**

**Characters/Pairings: Rukia**

**Word Count: 353**

**Warning: SADDNESS AHEAD.**

**Summary: Rukia watches the sun rise with her old friends.**

**A/N: Good Lord, I don't update in FOREVER and this is what I give you? Head, meet wall. I promise, next time I'll give you something funny.**

----------

She stands there on the hill looking over the Seireitei, the graves of her friends the only ones keeping her company.

The sun rises on the horizon, pink and orange rays shooting across the city stretched at her feet. A few lingering stars still hang in the sky, small testaments to stubborn hands holding on even from the heavens.

Do they ever let go?

She has a suspicion that they never do. The corners of her mouth tilt up in the sad imitation of a smile at the thought. They would never give up, even in the end.

The sun rose a little higher and those stars faded a little more, but she had looked away already. She turns her back to Seireitei, staring unseeingly at the graves in the ground. No matter how many times she comes here, it always hurts. She isn't supposed to hurt. She isn't supposed to feel pain, but the single posts casting long shadows on the ground hurt her somewhere she cannot name.

Those shadows are fingers that snake through her and hold on, even in the end.

It hurts even more now.

The threads of the past wind around her again and she blinks at the memories playing before her. Blood and tears swim in her vision, mixing and mingling and stinging her eyes. The air tastes bitter as sword clinks ring in her ears and burnt flesh assaults her nostrils.

The war is over and there is peace for now. The battle was hard won.

As she watches the shadows sweep across the dirt, she can't help but think that maybe it had cost too much.

She is alive. He had protected her. Maybe he would have wanted it this way. Maybe she isn't worth saving. Maybe he would do it again. Maybe she doesn't want to thank him. Maybe he doesn't want her thanks. Maybe he is stupid and maybe she is even more stupid than he is.

She looks up at the fourth pole planted in the ground and reaches out the hand that she should have given him long ago.

"Renji..."


	13. Three Tequila, Floor

**Title: Three Tequila, Floor**

**Rating: PG (um, underage drinking? o.O)**

**Characters/Pairings: Hitsugaya, Renji, Matsumoto**

**Word Count: 953**

**Warnings: Crack is the most addictive substance in the world.**

**Summary: Somehow, Renji and Hitsugaya end up in a drinking contest.**

**A/N: Beware of the pure crack below.**

----------

Renji had always considered himself able to hold his liquor. He could drink most people—Matsumoto excluded—under the table.

So why was he getting beaten by a kid?

Hitsugaya had never had alcohol before, and it was a taste he didn't particularly care for. But that arrogant jackass of a Shinigami had challenged him, and he would be damned if he would let the pretentious bastard win.

Both men sat opposite each other at the table, holding shot glasses in front of them and wondering how exactly they had gotten into this situation. Renji was hardly a person for taking on a kid and Hitsugaya was hardly a person for drinking period.

It was all Matsumoto's fault.

She had brought the party to tenth division headquarters, bottles of alcohol Hitsugaya couldn't even begin to identify in her devious little hands. Hitsugaya launched into the typical protests familiar to his vice captain, and she in return launched into the justifications abundantly familiar to her captain.

Hitsugaya sighed; Matsumoto swayed, having already hit her stash hours before; and everyone else ignored them, conveniently partially or totally drunk by now.

Renji, for his part, didn't want to miss out on the fun. He headed for the party as soon as he had finished the paperwork that his captain had pushed on him. He was very much looking forward to the quality time with his friends and—most importantly—free booze.

So Renji stepped into the tenth division headquarters to the sight of an arguing Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, both intriguingly red, one from anger and the other from alcohol. He shrugged it off, grabbing the bottle from Matsumoto's grip. She wheeled on him—he should have known she would be defensive when it came to her liquor—and snapped that he should find his own damn tequila.

Renji perked up at tequila. Ever since humans first invented tequila, it had been one of his favorites. He needed some of that.

Hitsugaya, conversely, was just downright angry.

"Tequila!"

"What, Captain? You know about tequila?" Matsumoto was fascinated by this new revelation.

"We worked next to high school kids, ne Matsumoto?" Hitsugaya had turned sour now, obviously not expecting her to question his knowledge.

She looked thoughtful. "Yes, I suppose you're right."

Renji, however, still wanted a piece of the action. "Yeah, yeah, can I get summat?"

"What! No, you can't! I said, get your own!"

"But it's nice to share!"

"Well I'm not feeling particularly nice right now!"

"Just stop it!" Hitsugaya was at the end of his rope now. He gave his subordinates his patented look of stern disapproval.

"Wait, Captain, have you ever even tried tequila?" She was back to _that_ again. His eyebrow twitched.

"No, Matsumoto, I have not."

"Well, then, it's a perfect time to try! I always say that you need to loosen up, Captain, and not worry so much! It's perfect!"

Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched again and he told himself that it was the alcohol cleverly disguised as Matsumoto that was speaking to him and not his errant vice captain. It didn't work.

"Here, Captain!" She poured out a shot glass of her tequila and held it out to him expectantly. He eyed the liquid with an acute sense of distrust.

"Wait, you'll give _him_ some and not me!"

"Hai, Renji! He's my captain!"

"But he's a kid!"

"I am not a kid!"

"He's more grown up than you, Renji!"

"Thank you, Matsumoto!"

"I mean, you have the mental capacity of a 2-year-old! _Anyone_ is more mature than you!"

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

Hitsugaya's brow was twitching nonstop. He needed to defend his adulthood.

Renji's eyes were narrowed ominously. He needed to defend his manhood.

And so they were facing off, drinks perched on the table in front of them, waiting to be consumed and then used as an excuse for the general outrageousness of the whole situation. No one in the room—Hitsugaya and Renji included—ever expected to see Captain Hitsugaya pounding down tequila shots, let alone see him give Abarai Renji a run for his money.

Hitsugaya struggled for steadiness, though he was much better at hiding it than Renji, who rocked in his chair, watching Hitsugaya with shaky vision. They both raised the shot glasses to their lips, threw back their heads, and gulped down the tequila with grimaces and warm and wobbly feelings.

Hitsugaya was definitely not used to the strange sensation of drunkenness. He took it in stride, however, noting his blurry vision and urge to pass out in an unabashedly detached manner. Renji wasn't exactly sure why he was downing shots anymore—something about his pride—but he had long ceased to give reason to the madness. After all, he didn't need reasons to get piss-drunk.

So they both continued their competition, the main reason for it slowly slipping from their grips to eventually be lost in the intoxicated haze.

Matsumoto—the instigator of all this—had long ago passed out on the couch, and Hitsugaya wondered briefly if that was why she slept there so often. Renji, on the other hand, knew that was exactly why she slept there so often. Plus, it didn't bother her breasts so much.

Hitsugaya turned his focus back to the tequila and frowned. He had lost track of how many shots they had taken. He distinctly remembered that that was probably the first sign of inebriation; he was most definitely drunk. But was he winning?

Renji couldn't hold his next shot straight, unable to see more than a black and white blob over the rim of the glass. This was familiar territory; he was most definitely drunk. But was he winning?

The question was never answered.

They both passed out.

----------

**END**


	14. Bunny Diplomacy

**Title: Bunny Diplomacy **

**Rating: PG **

**Characters/Pairings: Ichigo, Rukia **

**Word Count: 374**

**Warnings: Short crack **

**Summary: Ichigo tries to tell Rukia her drawings suck. **

**A/N: .:sigh:. Well, I tried. Sorry for the suckiness. I have writer's block like no other. Grrr. **

----------

"Dammit, Rukia!" He rubbed the part of his head where her foot had just been. "Will you stop it!"

A fist came flying at him, connecting with his gut painfully and making him double over.

"It's a bunny!" she cried, sending an elbow towards his face. "Can't you see that!"

He sidestepped her elbow and watched her seethe, her brows knit in anger and hands curled into tight fists at her sides. She held up a pad of paper, her knuckles turning white where she gripped the edge, and shoved it in his face.

There was silence for a few seconds, punctuated only by the sound of their heavy breathing, until Ichigo scoffed.

"It looks like a constipated beaver."

She slapped him on the shoulder with the pad of paper viciously, her knee coming up to stab him in the stomach.

"It's a bunny!" She reinforced the statement with a fruitless punch to his head that he barely managed to duck.

"You can't draw, Rukia," he said, taking her temporary shock to grab her by the shoulders and hold her in place. "It's hopeless."

A knee slammed into his crotch, sending him crumpling to the floor and watching her scowl through the stars in his eyes. He vaguely wondered how he had forgotten her sharp legs when he decided to assert her of her horrifying art skills.

A strangled hiss escaped his throat as she looked down on him, her hands on her hips and an angry frown on her face.

"Dammit, Rukia," he spit out, pain still radiating from the general vicinity of his balls. He struggled to his feet again, hands stationed in front of the important parts as he glared at her. "You didn't have to do that!"

She got that dangerous glint in her eye, one brow twitching ever so slightly in a way that said clearly, 'oh, you think so?'

"Look," he said quickly, before she could go on the attack. He sighed, an idea forming in his mind. "How about I get you a rabbit?Andyou promise me you'llstop drawing them?"

He regretted the words the moment they came out of his mouth, but the happy glow she emitted almost made it worth it. Almost.

"Deal."

----------

**END**


	15. The Talk

**Title: The "Talk"**

**Rating: PG-13**

**Characters/Pairings: Matsumoto, Hinamori, and a cameo by Hitsugaya**

**Word Count: 953**

**Warning: Random OOCness**

**Summary: Matsumoto is determined to make sure that Hinamori knows all about the birds and the bees.**

**A/N: More crack for y'all!**

----------

"Hinamori, come here," Matsumoto hissed, looking from side to side and waving her over.

"What is it, Matsumoto?" Hinamori asked, puzzled.

"Just get over here."

Hinamori scuttled over, throwing quizzical glances over her shoulder, wondering what Matsumoto was so cautious about. But nothing looked out of the ordinary, except for Matsumoto, who was gesturing furiously and had barely contained glee etched on her features.

She grabbed onto Hinamori's upper arm, pulling her into the room and steering her into a cushion. Matsumoto poked her head out the door one last time before shutting it with a snap. She turned to Hinamori and smiled determinedly.

"Now," she began, crossing her arms and looking pleased. "I am doing this for the sake of my captain, Hinamori, so pay attention."

Hinamori nodded, surprised that Hitsugaya was involved in this. He was usually much more… direct.

"Can you tell me what you know about sex?"

Hinamori nearly choked, turning a brilliant red. "W—W—What!"

"So not much, then…. Sex? You know." She started rocking her hips forward in demonstration. Hinamori immediately shut her eyes and waved her hands in front of her, completely horrified.

"What? Hinamori?" She snickered, kneeling down in front of her and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, you won't be the shy maiden much longer."

She finally found her voice. "Matsumoto! I can't believe you—"

"What? You need to know these things, Hinamori. Especially if you—"

"No! I don't need to know!" She shut her eyes again, as if doing so would block out the whole situation.

"Yes, you do, Hinamori. Especially if you and Captain—"

"What!" If possible, Hinamori turned an even deeper shade of red, putting her hands to her face and nearly screaming with embarrassment. Was Matsumoto trying to kill her?

"Hinamori, trust me. I'm doing this for your own good. And the captain's too, of course," she said, patting Hinamori on the head. She straightened, putting her hands on her hips and nodding in satisfaction when Hinamori opened an eye.

"So—so he told you to—?"

Matsumoto smiled. "Don't worry, he doesn't know." She put a finger on her chin, tilting her head to the side. "If he did, he probably wouldn't be happy. Oh well." She shrugged, sitting down across from Hinamori and leaning forward.

"Now, you know how you have that—" she pointed between Hinamori's legs, making her cringe and blush again. "Men also have something like it, but not exactly. You see, Hinamori, what they have is designed specifically to go into what women have."

Hinamori's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "I—In—to?"

Matsumoto nodded, holding up a banana she swiped from the market and forming a circle with her fingers. "See, this goes like this—"

"Ah!" Hinamori tumbled off the cushion. "Matsumoto!"

"What? I'm not lying, Hinamori. You need to know this," she said pointedly. "I wouldn't be a good vice-captain if I didn't ensure that my captain was happy." She paused. "Even if he doesn't know what will make him happy. i _Men_ /i . Besides, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't tell you about this." She watched Hinamori right herself on the cushion again.

"So—So even Hitsugaya-kun—" She swallowed, trying to shove the image of Hitsugaya with a banana on him out of her mind.

"All men, Hinamori. And usually, this—" she waved the banana "—is what they think with, so you have to be prepared."

Hinamori nodded slowly, still trembling a little. She was certain that she would be red for the rest of her life after this.

"Now, the most important thing I'm going to tell you is this: don't ever, ever let any man make you do this if you don't want." She pointed the banana at her. "It's up to you to decide. I know Captain would never pull this, but if you are ever uncomfortable or feeling pressured with anyone else, you get out of there and come straight to me, you hear?"

Hinamori nodded wordlessly.

"Good." She grinned evilly. "And then we can get Captain to freeze his nads off."

Hinamori gulped, certain she was never, ever going to let Hitsugaya know if something like i _that_ /i happened to her.

Matsumoto put the banana down and clasped her hands together, staring at her expectantly. "Alright, so now you know the mechanics, right?"

Hinamori nodded again, still unable to find her voice.

"Good. Now, this is going to sound weird," she said, holding her palms together and splaying out her fingers. "But the first time you do this, it may hurt a little. Trust me, after that, it'll be worth it." She smiled knowingly, making Hinamori swallow uncomfortably.

"What do you mean?" she hazarded.

"Just trust me, Hinamori, it can't really be explained. That's something you're going to have to figure out yourself." She winked, but Hinamori wasn't very assured. "Once you find the right man—" she coughed "—you'll love it. In fact, once I get through with Captain, I highly doubt I'll see either of you for very long."

Hinamori's eyes widened. "What!"

Matsumoto leaned forward and patted her on the head, allaying exactly none of Hinamori's fears. "Don't worry, Hinamori, just trust me."

"You keep saying that," she mumbled.

"You'll thank me later," Matsumoto said cheerily, picking up the banana once again. "Alright, it's time for advanced instruction." She formed the circle with her fingers again as Hinamori's eyes threatened to pop out of her head.

The door clattered open, making both women freeze. Hitsugaya stood speechless for a split-second, taking in the scene before him.

"Matsumoto…"

"What, Captain?"

"Is that a banana?"

"Why, yes, I think—"

"MATSUMOTO!"

----------

**END**


End file.
